High 5-ing God.

One of my finer moments occurred this morning, when I woke up early to take Rea to the bus stop on my way to the gym.

Yes, you heard me; the GYM!

I even took a faraway parking spot, rather than taking the one right next to the handicapped spot, and opted to take the stairs as opposed to the elevator, so I wasn’t the fata** who got up early to go to the gym only to avoid walking and taking the stairs on the way to my workout.

Now, one might think that God would give me an awesome high-5 for all of my extra effort today, but instead God allowed me to trip and fall; my fata** flying and flailing all over the place.  Curse words were uttered and I may or may not have seriously injured my left, big toe.  It’s purple and it hurts.

The worst part?  I was going UP the stairs. Who falls going UP the stairs?!  There were only like 10 steps. I couldn’t handle going up 10 steps without falling this morning. That might be a new record for me…

Little Miss Size Zero, who had been skipping behind me, was trying not to crack a smile, nor fully make eye contact, when she asked me if I was okay. I just told her that I was fine; just not fully awake yet.

Of course I made a mental note to limp painfully every time I saw her in the gym the rest of the morning.

On top of all of this, I get into the gym to find out that it’s a 24 Hour Fitness Sport PLUS or some crazy thing and my membership is only the regular kind of 24 Hour Fitness, so I’m not even good enough for them unless I give them more money!

They generously let me workout for free this morning, possibly because they felt sorry for the Circus Act performance on the stairs that they may or may not have also been able to see (I’m going to hope for my own sanity that they were not able to see)…

On a more positive note: I went to the gym this morning – YAY ME!

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Meet Our Modern Family.

963831_10151761807844788_1515427921_oMEET OUR MODERN FAMILY…

THE BOYS –

Wyatt:  “Hi, I’m Wyatt.  I enjoy eating, and laying around, and eating, and licking myself in the middle of the room where everyone has to watch, and eating, and I have a girlfriend who lives across the street who is a real fox.  I DO NOT ENJOY HAVING MY PICTURE TAKEN.  I carry around a few extra pounds, but that just means that there is more of me to love.  My fur is silky and luxurious, but it’s not fun to cough out after I’ve been licking myself in the middle of the room in front of everyone.  My mom is slightly allergic to me and so I try to get as much fur and dander on her bed as possible, you know, just for the fun of it.  Sometimes I get locked out of the house at night, but it’s no big deal because I can just jump through Whitney and Rea’s downstairs bedroom window and meow my head off until one or both of them wake up and scream their heads off because they think I’m a giant raccoon sitting in their windowsill; that’s pretty hilarious!  I particularly enjoy pooping in the bathtub.  But most of all…I enjoy eating.”

Caleb:  “Hi, I’m Caleb!  I’m the youngest person in the house, and I’m also the only male human.  For example; I have to share a bathroom with Rea and Whitney, and they put framed mermaid pictures on the walls, but I’m cool with it.  I love to play the Wii, and Wii Fit, and jump on the trampoline, and play badminton, and hang out with my millions of adoring friends, and drive my sister crazy.  I have awesome hair that spikes up every which direction with hardly any effort.  My swimming shirt and swim trunks are my absolute favorite outfit.  I hate cheese.  Well, actually I only hate melted cheese.  I love pizza as long as it doesn’t have any melted cheese on it, but it works out really well since my Mom and Rea and Whitney ONLY eat the toppings (Low Carb Diet for R and W + Mom is Gluten-Free) so that leaves me with the sauce and crust and a few stray pepperonis, which is AWESOME!  If I could live at the Great Wolf Lodge, I totally would.  I’m going to play soccer this year at school and I’m pretty excited about that.  I’m handsome and smart and extremely loveable, but that really goes without saying…”

Nash:  My name is Nash and I have two Mums.  I speak with a British accent.  I eat twice a day, and I poop 5 times a day; me Mums can never figure out the Mathematics on that one.  I’m a lover, not a fighter, but for some reason all of the other members of my species hate me and they want to kill me whenever I’m just being friendly and trying to sniff their butts.  They tell me it’s because I’m too happy all of the time and I annoy them, but I can’t help it that I’m a ‘food-bowl-is-always-half-full’ kind of a bloke.  They also tell me that I sniff their butts too aggressively, but I don’t understand that because is there really another way to sniff a butt?  I love chasing things, and I can pretty much chase things from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, but my family gets tired of throwing things for me to chase after.  I have many toys, but I love sticks most of all.  My family thinks that I’m illiterate so they spell things around me all the time like, B-A-L-L or P-A-R-K or T-R-E-A-T, and I just pretend like I don’t know what they’re saying because I think that it’s good for them to practice their spelling.  As long as they feed me when they’re supposed to and pick up my poop, I’ll play along with their games.  Cheerio!”

THE GIRLS –

Hanna:  “Hello Everyone, I’m Hanna.  I am extremely beautiful and brilliant and everyone tells me all the time that I look EXACTLY like my Mom.  I’m currently working on a novel, and I try to write all the time, even while my brother, Caleb, is being loud and driving me crazy!  I am the only one who eats normal food in this house, although I do enjoy my cold cereal the most when I eat it from a giant wine glass.  I love to read and do art projects, and I have been told that I am quite an artist.  I recently drew a portrait of a mermaid, and when I showed it to my brother he said, ‘that’s really good Hanna, but why did you give her such a giant butt-crack…’  I explained to him that it wasn’t a butt-crack, but actually the line of her back, and he just shook his head and walked away because he can’t understand why girls like mermaids so much.  I love animals, and if I had my way I would have pretty much every animal in the world for a pet; at least the cute and furry ones.  The summer is almost over and I will be starting my final year of middle school.  I’ve been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up, and I think right now it’s a toss-up between famous novelist/famous artist or becoming the first female President of the United States.  Time will tell I guess…”

Rea:  “Hi y’all, I’m Rea (pronounced Ray).  My given name is Ramona, but I hate that name somethin’ fierce on account of all of the teasin’ that I got in school when them ‘Ramona Quimby‘ books came out.  I’m from Jackson, Mississippi, but y’all would never know it since ah don’t speak with any kind of accent at all.  I’m doing my Chaplain Residency this year at Harborview Medical Center, and so far it’s goin’ well.  I’m just finishin’ up my first week now, and I’m already gettin’ compliments from my supervisors who’ve told me that I’m doin’ a great job, so that’s encouragin’.  I’ve worked in ministry for most of my adult life, and ah have a big heart that just loves servin’ the Lord.  I’m pretty hilarious, and I have a good story about darn near any topic you could think of.   My fiance, Whitney, enjoys writin’ about me in her blogs, and I’m fine with that because she actually makes me seem even funnier than I actually am, and I didn’t think that was even possible!  It was actually my idea for all of us to rent a house together, and I didn’t even know Rose and the kids.  I just said to Whitney, ‘Rose is looking for a new place and we’re looking for a new place so…shouldn’t we just all look for a place together?’  We all agreed that it seemed like a good idea, and now here we are:  a real Modern Family.”

Rosemary:  “Hello everyone, I’m Rose.  I’m ridiculously beautiful and talented, and most people really want to hate me because of it, but they can’t even help but love me.  I have two kids who are just as ridiculously beautiful and talented as I am and I love them more than anything.  I’m a professional photographer, and I have my own studio in downtown Seattle.  My website is:  www.rosemaryphotography.com – I’ve photographed the President, and when I met him afterward I was all, ‘It’s an honor to meet you Mr. President, Sir…’ and he was all, ‘Just call me Barack.’  In my free time I’m working on saving the world through charities and such.  I’ve been friends with Whitney since about the 6th grade, and now we’ve decided that we’re really more like sisters.  In all of these years we’ve never run out of things to talk about, and if there is ever a lull in the conversation then I know that Whitney will just bring up something hilarious and embarrassing from the past, and that just always sparks a whole new discussion about human videos and championship leg wrestling, etc.  I’m working on being a strong, successful, independent woman and fabulous Mother, and I must say…it looks good on me.”

Whitney:  “You all know me already, so there isn’t much to say, other than I’m the one who ties our whole family together.  I mean…I don’t want to brag or anything but I’ve known Rose forever, and I’ve known Hanna and Caleb since they were born, and I’m Nash’s Mom, and Wyatt tolerates me because I feed him when he yells at me, and Rea is my fiance so…  There you have it.  Also, I’m a professional caregiver who takes care of an old couple that you may have heard a bit about…  Joe and Dot.  I’m still commuting to Portland via Amtrak so I’m sure that there will be many stories to share of my travels, and I’m still extremely clumsy and embarrassing so you know you’ll hear more about my daily life on this blog.  As it’s been quoted recently, ‘boy, embarrassing things sure do happen to Whitney all the time, and when it happens it’s so hilarious for the rest of us!’  Also, I really love our Modern Family.  I think we’re all pretty awesome.”

The Fall of Civilization.

images-2To those of you whoare intelligent, and fortunate enough, to have made the decision NOT to watch the current season of “Real World: Portland“, please take a moment to hear from someone who was not so lucky.

The following is an explanation as to why American Society is crumbling beneath our feet at an alarming rate. You may be a little bit less intelligent (ie; dumber) after reading this, and for that I apologize:

1) The season finale documents a violent, and horrific fistfight between the “former Hooters Girl” and the girl who is writing a nonfiction book that teaches women how to marry rich celebrities.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that a weave was actually torn out of one of the girl’s heads and then thrown aggressively back at her face.  But don’t worry because the Weave-less Avenger took revenge by whacking Hooter’s Girl in the back of her head with a hair dryer, while the unexpected recipient was brushing her teeth.  This of course caused the Hooters Girl’s boyfriend to come to her defense, and when Weave-less Wonder accused him of having a tiny penis, Hooter’s Boyfriend continued the screaming match with his pants down to his ankles to prove that his manhood is at least of average size.

2) This fight was caused by a dog turd.

Wrinkles.

E News just did a segment on a new plastic surgery procedure whereas they take some fat cells from other parts of the body and inject it in the face to reduce the appearance of wrinkles.  Sweet Jesus, I may never have a face wrinkle again!  Of course there may come a time when I resemble an orange on a toothpick, of which point I hereby grant any one of you to pull the plug.

Monty Python at Whitman College!!

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Mom, Rea and I made the drive this weekend from Seattle to Walla Walla, WA so that we could see my oldest niece, Claire, graduate from Whitman College!  When we arrived, Claire told us that the Commencement Speaker for the graduation was “some guy from Monty Python” and I said, “WHAT??!!  WHO??!!”  Claire shrugged and said, “I can’t remember his name…he had something to do with Spamalot; I think he was the director or one of the actors or something?  I saw him around campus like, all the time, because his daughter is graduating this year too…”  At that point, I figured that maybe he was someone that I wouldn’t even recognize because I’m not familiar with the Broadway version of Spamalot.

What I am familiar with is a little movie called, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”  and of course “The Life of Brian”.  These two movies may even sum up high school and my early 20’s with quotes such as:

“I fart in your general direction.”

I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.”

“Look, you stupid Bastard. You’ve got no arms left.”

“It’s just a flesh wound.”

“Bring out yer dead.”

“But I’m not dead yet!”

“I’m NOT the Messiah!”

“Blessed are the Peace-Makers…”  “Did he say ‘Blessed are the Cheesemakers?  Well isn’t that nice?  Cheesemakers don’t get nearly enough credit these days…”

I think you get the idea.  With all of that said, I look at my program for the Commencement Ceremony and I see a photo of none other than…Eric Idle!  HOLY CRAP!!

(I’m not gonna lie; I may have wet my pants a little…)

I whispered frantically to Rea, “Look!  It’s the Monty Python guy…It’s THE MONTY PYTHON GUY!!”

My nephew Todd leaned over so that he could say, “Are you a fan Auntie?”

I said, “Um…yeah!  Aren’t you?”

Todd:  “Well, I’ve heard of them…”

I looked at my youngest niece Dana and she just shrugged and said, “I have no idea who he is.”

I just shook my head with bewilderment because I just couldn’t believe that the younger generation has missed out on Monty Python!

WHAT is this world coming to?!

Even my brother-in-law, Mike, was making fun of me for being so starstruck as well and I was like, “Are you kidding me?!! It’s MONTY PYTHON!!”

MONTY FREAKING PYTHON!!

Needless to say, Eric Idle made the funniest College Commencement speech of all time.  His speech included a fart joke about the Queen that went something like this:  The Queen’s horse farted loudly while she was sitting in the carriage next to the President of Nigeria.  She turned to the distinguished Leader and said, “So sorry…”  He replied, “That’s okay, I thought it was the horse!”  He mentioned the gun control controversy in the United States by saying, “Don’t worry America, Britain isn’t planning to invade your country again, so you really don’t need so many muskets.”  He summed up his speech with, “Now all of you Graduates out there…go out into the World and kick some ASS!”  As if his hilarious speech wasn’t enough, he even ended Whitman’s entire Graduation Ceremony by singing, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from “The Life of Brian“. 

If I had died at that moment, I assure you that I would have died happy.

When graduation was over I made Rea follow me with her camera so that I could hunt Monty Python down and get my picture taken with him.  As starstruck as I was, when I actually spotted Eric Idle on the other side of the lawn, my stomach did flip-flops (I’m sure my belly full of pita, hummus, and chocolate cake didn’t help).  Rea encouraged me to stop and breathe for a second before we approached him.  That was good advice.  Thankfully I saw Claire so that I could go over to her and say, “Claire!  Introduce me to the Monty Python guy!!”

This is what I remember from the encounter after Claire made the introductions:

Me:  “Hi!  I’m a big fan…”

He grinned, and with his extremely British accent he said, “Well thank you.  What was your name again?”

Me:  “I’m Whitney.  And this is Rea.”

Eric Idle shook both of our hands:  “Very nice to meet you ladies.”

Me:  “I should tell you that I got in big trouble when I was a Christian Missionary because I got a group of my friends together and we watched ‘Life of Brian’…”

Eric Idle:  “Well that’s a first!  I didn’t realize that missionaries watched any of my movies.”

Me:  “Well they don’t.  I mean, they’re not supposed to.  That’s why I had to show it to them.  But of course I got in trouble because the leaders thought that it was pretty blasphemous.  But I tried to tell them that Brian was NOT the Messiah!  That didn’t seem to help much…”

He laughed.

I actually made Eric Idle laugh.

No big deal.

Rea told him that he gave the most entertaining Commencement speech that she’d ever seen.  He seemed pretty happy about all of our compliments.

Then Claire took a picture of Rea and I with MONTY PYTHON!

MONTY.  FREAKING.  PYTHON.

Totally epic.

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Doritos Loco

UnknownI’m not sure if any of you have noticed, but Taco Bell has actually scientifically metamorphosed Doritos into a TACO SHELL! And not merely the nacho flavored Doritos either, OH NO; consumers may also enjoy a taco shell that is COOL RANCH flavored as well! You can even “collect all 2” flavors if you wish to have your mind completely blown.

With all of the hoopla in the media about gay marriage and all, I feel that Taco Bell has not received the accolades that it rightly deserves. So if you will please join me in a moment of silence in appreciation of the culinary masterpiece that is: DORITOS LOCO!!

Not since the invention of Deep-Fried Twinkies or Double Stuffed Oreos has America given us Chubby Folk something as remarkable to fantasize about while we are trying to choke down our portion-controlled meals.

So I say, “Thank You, America” and “Gracias mi amigo de Taco Bell”!