The following is a blow by blow tale of a recent night out with my Skagit Valley Family.
5pm – At Corner Tavern in Bow, WA drinking beer out of mason jars with: Rea, Mom, Mom’s new love interest Lyle, Auntie Verna and Uncle Robert.
Of course the majority of the time, since we were in a group where we were outnumbered by folks who are aged 70 or above, they were all discussing their health impairments and comparing health insurance companies.
After Lyle excused himself to use the bathroom…
Mom: “Did you see Lyle’s dimples?”
Mom: “They’re like Viagra!”
That’s my Mom after 1 drink.
Uncle Robert: “Oh god, at my age I’d need Viagra, plus 6 toothpicks to hold it up!”
That’s Uncle Robert after 2 drinks.
Waiting for Cousin Eric and Cousin Venise to join us. Looks to be a pretty fun night.
Cousin Venise: “Oh Rea, we could tell you so many stories about Fartney…”
Rea laughed: “Fartney huh?”
Me: “Oh yeah, I had lots of nicknames. Pretty much anything bad or disgusting would get an N-E-Y added to the end of it.”
Cousin Venise: “Fart-ney, Shit-ney, Wipey, Whippy-Wipey…”
Cousin Eric: “And of course we had to combine her first and last name to make, Butt-ney.”
Rea: “Of course.”
Cousin Venise: “Remember when we used to lock her out of the house until she’d say a cuss word?”
Me: “You guys were so mean!”
Cousin Venise: “We’d tell her to ‘say dammit’ and she’d cry and cry…”
Me: “Yeah because I knew that Jesus could hear me!”
Cousin Venise: “We’d try to get her to say pretty much any swear word that we could think of and she wouldn’t!”
Me: “And then Auntie Verna would get home from work and beat your asses for being so mean to me!”
Cousin Eric: “Oh man, Mom (Auntie Verna) would get so mad at us all the time! Farting was a big no-no. If we farted in the car, Mom would make us get out of the car and run the rest of the way home.”
Me: “You guys should have all tried out for track. You had to have been the most well-trained runners in the county!”
Rea: “Oh man, if we did any of those things our mom would’ve just plain killed us! I’m the youngest and my brother and sisters would pick on me, but they knew that they could only do so much before I’d tattle on them.”
Cousin Venise: “Oh my god, Shitney was the WORST tattle-tale!”
Me: “I had to be! I may not be alive today if you guys weren’t so afraid of Auntie Verna!”
Cousin Eric: “So Rea, let me get this straight, you mean to tell me that you’re the youngest in your family and no one ever farted on your head until someone yelled ‘stop! She’s had enough!!’…?”
Rea: “Oh no! I came from a modest family in the South. We excused ourselves to the bathroom for such things.”
Cousin Venise: “You’re so lucky that you never had to worry about brain damage!”
On the way home from the Conway Tavern, Rea and I stopped at Costco to pick up one of my prescriptions…
Me: “If I went through the line at Costco with a 50 gallon tub of gummy vitamins, 2 litres of Miralax, and an enormous bottle of diet pills, do you think anyone would be concerned?”
Rea: “First of all, I should ask you…how many beers did you have tonight?”
Me: “Quite a few. You’d think I’d be drunker than I am right now…”
Rea: “I think you’re feeling pretty good about now.”
Me: “Yeah, i feel pretty awesome. Why can’t I ever run into anyone at the Burlington Costco when I’m this awesome?”
Rea: “That’s another question that you’ll have to ask Jesus someday.”
As the night continued…
Rea totally just tattled on me to my Mom. Twice!!
Rea hollered from the living room: “Margaret!!”
Mom hollered back from her bedroom: “What?!”
Rea: “Whitney just flipped me off!”
Mom: “Oh I know. Isn’t she just so rude?!”
Five minutes later, both Rea and Mom still on separate sides of the house…
Rea: “Whitney just mooned me!!”
Mom: “Oh god, Whitney, did I not raise you right?!”
Me: “Mom, aren’t you even going to ask Rea what she did to deserve getting flipped off and mooned?”
Mom: “No. I’m sure she’s being a complete Angel because I’m always a sweet, little Angel when you’re so vulgar to me…”
Me: “Yeah right!!”