Meet Our Modern Family.

963831_10151761807844788_1515427921_oMEET OUR MODERN FAMILY…

THE BOYS –

Wyatt:  “Hi, I’m Wyatt.  I enjoy eating, and laying around, and eating, and licking myself in the middle of the room where everyone has to watch, and eating, and I have a girlfriend who lives across the street who is a real fox.  I DO NOT ENJOY HAVING MY PICTURE TAKEN.  I carry around a few extra pounds, but that just means that there is more of me to love.  My fur is silky and luxurious, but it’s not fun to cough out after I’ve been licking myself in the middle of the room in front of everyone.  My mom is slightly allergic to me and so I try to get as much fur and dander on her bed as possible, you know, just for the fun of it.  Sometimes I get locked out of the house at night, but it’s no big deal because I can just jump through Whitney and Rea’s downstairs bedroom window and meow my head off until one or both of them wake up and scream their heads off because they think I’m a giant raccoon sitting in their windowsill; that’s pretty hilarious!  I particularly enjoy pooping in the bathtub.  But most of all…I enjoy eating.”

Caleb:  “Hi, I’m Caleb!  I’m the youngest person in the house, and I’m also the only male human.  For example; I have to share a bathroom with Rea and Whitney, and they put framed mermaid pictures on the walls, but I’m cool with it.  I love to play the Wii, and Wii Fit, and jump on the trampoline, and play badminton, and hang out with my millions of adoring friends, and drive my sister crazy.  I have awesome hair that spikes up every which direction with hardly any effort.  My swimming shirt and swim trunks are my absolute favorite outfit.  I hate cheese.  Well, actually I only hate melted cheese.  I love pizza as long as it doesn’t have any melted cheese on it, but it works out really well since my Mom and Rea and Whitney ONLY eat the toppings (Low Carb Diet for R and W + Mom is Gluten-Free) so that leaves me with the sauce and crust and a few stray pepperonis, which is AWESOME!  If I could live at the Great Wolf Lodge, I totally would.  I’m going to play soccer this year at school and I’m pretty excited about that.  I’m handsome and smart and extremely loveable, but that really goes without saying…”

Nash:  My name is Nash and I have two Mums.  I speak with a British accent.  I eat twice a day, and I poop 5 times a day; me Mums can never figure out the Mathematics on that one.  I’m a lover, not a fighter, but for some reason all of the other members of my species hate me and they want to kill me whenever I’m just being friendly and trying to sniff their butts.  They tell me it’s because I’m too happy all of the time and I annoy them, but I can’t help it that I’m a ‘food-bowl-is-always-half-full’ kind of a bloke.  They also tell me that I sniff their butts too aggressively, but I don’t understand that because is there really another way to sniff a butt?  I love chasing things, and I can pretty much chase things from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, but my family gets tired of throwing things for me to chase after.  I have many toys, but I love sticks most of all.  My family thinks that I’m illiterate so they spell things around me all the time like, B-A-L-L or P-A-R-K or T-R-E-A-T, and I just pretend like I don’t know what they’re saying because I think that it’s good for them to practice their spelling.  As long as they feed me when they’re supposed to and pick up my poop, I’ll play along with their games.  Cheerio!”

THE GIRLS –

Hanna:  “Hello Everyone, I’m Hanna.  I am extremely beautiful and brilliant and everyone tells me all the time that I look EXACTLY like my Mom.  I’m currently working on a novel, and I try to write all the time, even while my brother, Caleb, is being loud and driving me crazy!  I am the only one who eats normal food in this house, although I do enjoy my cold cereal the most when I eat it from a giant wine glass.  I love to read and do art projects, and I have been told that I am quite an artist.  I recently drew a portrait of a mermaid, and when I showed it to my brother he said, ‘that’s really good Hanna, but why did you give her such a giant butt-crack…’  I explained to him that it wasn’t a butt-crack, but actually the line of her back, and he just shook his head and walked away because he can’t understand why girls like mermaids so much.  I love animals, and if I had my way I would have pretty much every animal in the world for a pet; at least the cute and furry ones.  The summer is almost over and I will be starting my final year of middle school.  I’ve been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up, and I think right now it’s a toss-up between famous novelist/famous artist or becoming the first female President of the United States.  Time will tell I guess…”

Rea:  “Hi y’all, I’m Rea (pronounced Ray).  My given name is Ramona, but I hate that name somethin’ fierce on account of all of the teasin’ that I got in school when them ‘Ramona Quimby‘ books came out.  I’m from Jackson, Mississippi, but y’all would never know it since ah don’t speak with any kind of accent at all.  I’m doing my Chaplain Residency this year at Harborview Medical Center, and so far it’s goin’ well.  I’m just finishin’ up my first week now, and I’m already gettin’ compliments from my supervisors who’ve told me that I’m doin’ a great job, so that’s encouragin’.  I’ve worked in ministry for most of my adult life, and ah have a big heart that just loves servin’ the Lord.  I’m pretty hilarious, and I have a good story about darn near any topic you could think of.   My fiance, Whitney, enjoys writin’ about me in her blogs, and I’m fine with that because she actually makes me seem even funnier than I actually am, and I didn’t think that was even possible!  It was actually my idea for all of us to rent a house together, and I didn’t even know Rose and the kids.  I just said to Whitney, ‘Rose is looking for a new place and we’re looking for a new place so…shouldn’t we just all look for a place together?’  We all agreed that it seemed like a good idea, and now here we are:  a real Modern Family.”

Rosemary:  “Hello everyone, I’m Rose.  I’m ridiculously beautiful and talented, and most people really want to hate me because of it, but they can’t even help but love me.  I have two kids who are just as ridiculously beautiful and talented as I am and I love them more than anything.  I’m a professional photographer, and I have my own studio in downtown Seattle.  My website is:  www.rosemaryphotography.com – I’ve photographed the President, and when I met him afterward I was all, ‘It’s an honor to meet you Mr. President, Sir…’ and he was all, ‘Just call me Barack.’  In my free time I’m working on saving the world through charities and such.  I’ve been friends with Whitney since about the 6th grade, and now we’ve decided that we’re really more like sisters.  In all of these years we’ve never run out of things to talk about, and if there is ever a lull in the conversation then I know that Whitney will just bring up something hilarious and embarrassing from the past, and that just always sparks a whole new discussion about human videos and championship leg wrestling, etc.  I’m working on being a strong, successful, independent woman and fabulous Mother, and I must say…it looks good on me.”

Whitney:  “You all know me already, so there isn’t much to say, other than I’m the one who ties our whole family together.  I mean…I don’t want to brag or anything but I’ve known Rose forever, and I’ve known Hanna and Caleb since they were born, and I’m Nash’s Mom, and Wyatt tolerates me because I feed him when he yells at me, and Rea is my fiance so…  There you have it.  Also, I’m a professional caregiver who takes care of an old couple that you may have heard a bit about…  Joe and Dot.  I’m still commuting to Portland via Amtrak so I’m sure that there will be many stories to share of my travels, and I’m still extremely clumsy and embarrassing so you know you’ll hear more about my daily life on this blog.  As it’s been quoted recently, ‘boy, embarrassing things sure do happen to Whitney all the time, and when it happens it’s so hilarious for the rest of us!’  Also, I really love our Modern Family.  I think we’re all pretty awesome.”

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Honey Boo-Boo’s Mom.

images I’m riding the train from Portland back to Seattle (my work commute) and the Conductor likens himself to be quite the comedian.  The Amtrak safety guidelines went as follows:

“There is no smoking anywhere on the train.  Doesn’t matter whether its a cigarette, cigar, weed, crack, whatever; no smoking means NO SMOKING!  Got it?  If anyone is caught smoking on this train, the CIA will be notified and they will remove you via helicopter and carry you off to some undisclosed location in the Middle East.

Also, everyone must set their cell phones on silent.  None of that vibrate nonsense either.  SILENT.  If I hear anyone’s cell phone during this trip, whether it be a Ringy-Dingy or a Mosquito Buzzing sound, at any point during the duration of this trip, I will personally release Honey Boo-Boo‘s Mom from our vault, and she will EAT YOU.”

Everyone around me was laughing awkwardly during his presentation, but I’m sure that I’m not the only one who is secretly terrified of this man.

I mean, it’s all fun and games, smoking your crack pipe and talking on your cell phone in the Amtrak bathroom, until you end up in a dark underground tunnel, somewhere in the Middle East, tied to a chair by some kind of indestructible pasta, and listening to what can only be the sound of Honey Boo-Boo’s Mom’s growling belly in the distance, smacking her lips at the thought of some spaghetti noodles with butter and ketchup all over it!

Capital Hill Block Party 2013 – Seattle, WA

Scenes from Seattle’s Capital Hill Block Party – Part One:

540731_10151736487085862_1859951303_nMe:  “I can definitely tell that we’re not in Portland anymore…”

Rea:  “Yeah?   How’s that?”

Me:  “Well, first of all I haven’t smelled patchouli once, and the only hippie I’ve seen so far was wearing a gold chain!”

Rea:   “Not to mention all of the folks walking around eating hot dogs and sausages like they don’t even care that they’re eating something that once had a face.”

Me:  “I knew that Seattle style would be different than Portland, but I didn’t realize that there’d be so many yuppies.  Most of these kids look like they’ve stepped out of a Vampire Weekend video.”

Rea:   “What’s Vampire Weekend?  Like Twilight?”

Me:  “No, they’re a band who dress like rich kids who play tennis.”

Rea:   “Oh okay, all I know is that I’m trying to look cool at a 20-something block party.”

Me:  “Are you kidding? You’re cool just for being here.  Plus you’re wearing your Tom Cruise/Risky Business sunglasses, and also…you’re gay, and on Capital Hill that makes you one of the cool kids.”

Rea:  “Good to know.”

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Scenes from Seattle’s Capital Hill Block Party – Part 2

942160_10151736484555862_682265079_n

Me:  “Ooh we have to go see this band called ‘Gaytheist‘ at 7:30!”

Rea:   “Why?”

Me:  “Because they’re called ‘GAYTHEIST’.”

Rea:  “Oh, of course that’s why.”

Later, as we were crammed behind the bar at the extremely loud Gaytheist show…

Gaytheist Lead Singer (GLS):  “This next song is about shitting off of a mountaintop.”

Rea:  “I bet this one’s gonna be a ballad.”

Me:   “Doesn’t the drummer look like Paul Bunyan had a love child with Axl Rose and then it turns out that they’re first cousins with Hulk Hogan?”

Rea:   “Actually, he does! He looks exactly like that!”

GLS:  “This next song is about an old guy…”

Me:   “…this will be a ballad for sure, Rea!”

GLS:  “…who kills people.”

Me:  “Okay, maybe not.”

Rea:  “At least they all look like they’re middle aged.  They’re like a middle aged, Portland heavy metal band.”

Me: “Of course that’s your favorite thing about them.”

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970611_10151736523215862_524737299_n(1)Only in Seattle can you witness at least 3 babies being conceived within a sea of acid wash jeans, triple belly-button piercings, Abercrombie cargo shorts, high-waisted Levi cutoffs (cutoff just short of the vajay-jay) and horizontal striped tshirts; all while grinding to a band called “Purity Ring“.

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Capital Hill Block Party – Part 3:

Me:  “There is one beach ball being tossed around this whole crowd and it’s already hit me in the back of the head twice.”

Rea:  “It’s called crowd beach-ball surfing.  Apparently you’re not into it.  I’ve gotta say that if I ever decided to crowd surf, I’d hope that you weren’t in the crowd.   I’d be like, ‘Whitney! Catch me!!’ and you’d be all ‘Wha…?’ and I’d splatter on the cement in front of you, and you’d take a picture and put it on Facebook.”

Me:  “Pickwick’s on the stage!  Look! I see Kory!!”

Rea:   “The beach-ball just about hit you in the head again. I blocked it…”

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3638_10151736679265862_1199496920_nApparently it’s cool in Seattle to fashion a hat with your Grandma’s old furniture upholstery?

 

 

Lady Gay-Gay.

It’s officially our last night in Portland, and Faith and Ari treated us to a fabulous home cooked meal.  It was definitely a much needed break from packing, and we had a great time with our wonderful friends!

The following is the conversation that I had with Rea as we were walking from our parking spot to Faith and Ari’s apartment:

Rea:  “I’m so excited to see Faith and Ari!  We haven’t seen them since we’ve gotten engaged.”

Me:  “I know, me too!!  Plus, we’re not just engaged…we’re engaged with a Y.”

Rea:  “Um…not sure I follow what you’re sayin’…”

Me:  “You know…like en-GAY-ged.  Engaged with a Y.”

Rea:  “That just doesn’t even make any sense.”

Me:  “You’re only jealous that you didn’t think of it first.”

Rea:  “Yeah. That must be it.”

Me:  “My dad thought that Lady Gaga was called Lady Gay-Gay.”

Rea:  “That was my nickname when I was growing up.”

Me:  “Lady Gay-Gay was your nickname?”

Rea:  “No, just Gay-Gay because my middle name is Gay.”

Me:  “Well that explains a lot, doesn’t it?”

Rea:  “My Mama always told me that she thought that Gay was such a perfect middle name for me because I’m such a happy girl, and she thinks it’s a shame that the kids at school had to make it seem dirty.”

Me:  “School kids sure get a bad wrap, don’t they? I mean, what did your Mom expect when she named you Gay?”

Rea:  “I guess she just thought that people would think that I was a happy kid.”

Me:  “Oh, you’re HAPPY all right!”

Rea:   “See? You just had to go and make it seem dirty!”

The Fall of Civilization.

images-2To those of you whoare intelligent, and fortunate enough, to have made the decision NOT to watch the current season of “Real World: Portland“, please take a moment to hear from someone who was not so lucky.

The following is an explanation as to why American Society is crumbling beneath our feet at an alarming rate. You may be a little bit less intelligent (ie; dumber) after reading this, and for that I apologize:

1) The season finale documents a violent, and horrific fistfight between the “former Hooters Girl” and the girl who is writing a nonfiction book that teaches women how to marry rich celebrities.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that a weave was actually torn out of one of the girl’s heads and then thrown aggressively back at her face.  But don’t worry because the Weave-less Avenger took revenge by whacking Hooter’s Girl in the back of her head with a hair dryer, while the unexpected recipient was brushing her teeth.  This of course caused the Hooters Girl’s boyfriend to come to her defense, and when Weave-less Wonder accused him of having a tiny penis, Hooter’s Boyfriend continued the screaming match with his pants down to his ankles to prove that his manhood is at least of average size.

2) This fight was caused by a dog turd.

Angry LEGOS.

imagesHere are the top 3 things that I learned from the 10 o’clock news in Portland tonight:

1) Surveillance cameras caught an elderly man stealing almost $4,000 worth of wine (over several visits) from Safeway. When interviewing a local woman about the crime, her response was, “Stealing is wrong. It’s just plain wrong!”

2) Someone also thieved a red bandana off of the head of a statue that was located on the Portland Waterfront. Any information is appreciated by investigators. Rea and I considered calling the number to report seeing an old man walking along the waterfront, carrying a red bandana that was filled up with wine bottles and tied to the end of a stick…

3) The makers of LEGOS have made some concerning changes in their popular product. Parents should be aware that only a small percentage of LEGO figures are wearing smiles. The faces of the majority of LEGO people are looking angrier and they are carrying more weaponry.

Seaside.

302786_10151581006620862_714680784_n255683_10151581343225862_1687393322_nSpontaneous trip to Seaside, OR for Rea’s (early) birthday!

Day 1: 

a) Nash, my dog, peed on some poor kid’s sand castle and sprinted into the ocean just so that he could put his weiner in the water.

b) We walked all around the sleepy beach town imagining what it would be like to grow up here. We decided that it would be like “Stand by Me” meets “The Goonies” – so apparently we’d be boys going through puberty while searching for dead bodies and treasures…?

c) Watching the sunset on the beach while sipping red wine from styrofoam cups.

d) Rea said I can’t admit to drinking from a styrofoam cup because we may get kicked out of Portland for single-handedly ruining the environment.

e)  “You think I’m gorgeous, you wanna kiss me, love me and marry me.” – Miss Congeniality.

f)  Me: “What time should I set the alarm for?”  Rea: “What time would you like to set the alarm for…?”  Me: “Well I’d really like to get up early enough to go look for sand dollars so…how about 6?”  Rea: “How bout you quit smokin’ crack before bed?”