Today was just like any other day; Momma Rea woke up and fed me, let me outside to do my business, and then put me back to bed with Mom and Kitten before she headed off to work. Mom got to sleep in today since it was her day off, so we just settled in for a lazy morning.
As usual, Kitten was driving me completely crazy. She just can’t seem to leave my tail alone. She thinks it’s her own personal play-thing, and I’ve HAD IT! The next time that white, furry, little, purring little PSYCHOPATH so much as puts a NIBBLE on my tail, I’m going flatulate the fires of HELL onto her precious little kitten face until she cries out for meow-ercy.
Wait…I think I just saw Mom move a little bit. Her arm. She’s stretching! Okay, now if she reaches out for her rectangle-machine-ringy-thingy and starts staring at it for hours, then it’s time to get up. Time to get up. Did you hear me world? It’s TIME TO GET UP!!!!!!
Awww shizzle. Mom rolled over and farted.
We’re in for another hour at least.
F#*% YOU KITTEN and your CUTENESS!!!
(An hour later)
Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m proud to announce that we’re up and on the move! We’ve made it as far as the living room. But I will give Mom credit for having changed into the coat that she wears when she leaves the pack (aka; got dressed). As usual, I was banished to my little, tiny square area on the floor, while Kitten aka; Her Royal Cuteness was allowed to go anywhere she f*#%ing pleased. She was allowed to do her business in the house, curl up around Mom’s neck, sit on Momma’s lap. She can even drool freely and do silent, smelly farts without being mocked for it! And as if my life wasn’t unjust enough…
KITTEN! Stop playing with my Jungle toys DAMN YOU! That is MY Rhino! You wouldn’t believe what that kitten just did. She just bit my Rhino in the arse as hard as she could, and she looked me right square in the eye while she did it. She was MOCKING ME! Well F#*% you KITTEN and your CUTENESS!!!
I just woke up from a nap, and was shocked to find Mom wandering around, looking rather ambitious. I wonder what this is all about…? Omg, omg, omg, OMG! Did she just say what I think she just said? No. It can’t be. It is. Be still my heart. Mom is holding a leash. I cannot contain myself any longer. A WALLLLLLLKKKKKKKKK!!! WALK, WALK, WALK, WALK, WALLLLLLLLLLLKKKKKKK!
Oh Lord, I think I just pooped my pants. Oh god, please don’t let me poop my pants right now or Mom won’t take me on a walk anymore, and that would just completely break my heart Lord, seriously. No pee either. Lord please help me hold the pee in until I get outside okay? I promise I’ll be good from now on. I promise. Oh god, I feel some almost coming out. Of both ends. Oh jesus, please help me…Oh lord…
Mom: “Holy crap Nash, you were just outside an hour ago. Are we feeding you too much or something? Jeesh! I’ve never seen a dog poop so much!”
Gosh Mom, you’re like so judgmental. And it’s not like you’re one to talk! I’ve seen you running to the john with your pants around your knees many a time, and have I told anyone about it? No. It’s between you and me. But guess what? You tell everybody about how much I poop, and about that one time when I had the stomach flu and I spray painted the bedroom furniture, or that other time when you put that other dog in a kennel next to me and that other dog got explosive diarrhea and shat all over me. You thought that was so funny. And you know what Mom? That hurts. How would you have liked to be shat on like that? How would you like to be shivering in a dog kennel, covered in another dog’s shat? And have your Mom laugh at you?? Oh forget it, let’s let bygones be bygones. We’re going for a WALK!!!
Oh my goodness Mom, can you smell all of these glorious smells? It’s like there’s been a million, trillion, zillion, quadrillion dogs and animals peeing out here all over these trees and bushes. Maybe even Bigfoot! I believe in Bigfoot, Mom. I totally do. I’ve smelled some urine that is so strong that there’s just no other explanation for it. It has to be Sasquatch urine. You know? Bigfoot. Omg it all just SMELLS SO GOOD!
The only thing that makes it better is adding my pee to it. There’s just no way to even describe to you, Mom, the way it feels to lift my hind leg in the air and let my urine just flow, you know what I mean? There’s nothing better.
Trot, Trot, Trot…
Sniff, Sniff, Sniff…
Pee, Pee, Pee…
All of a sudden Mom pulled the leash so hard all of a sudden I thought that my eyeballs might bulge out from whiplash. It was really rather hostile if you ask me.
She hollered: “NASH! STOP PULLING ON THE LEASH!!”
Is it just me, or was that just completely and totally hypocritical? Pop out my eyeballs and break my neck, just to yell at ME for pulling? What is this world coming to? Animals just have no rights at all, I tell you what?!
Mom: “NASH if you don’t stop pulling we’re going to go back home! You’re BETTER than this! Stop PULLING on your MOMMA!”
Oh god, now she’s just trying to shame me. This always works. Even though I know better, I always fall for it. I have a bleeding heart, what can I say? Alright Mom, sorry. I’ll try not to be such a terrible, horrible dog who is ONLY just TRYING to be happy and enjoy life for ONCE! I’ll go back to being the sad, miserable, depressed middle-aged bastard who just lies around waiting to die. As you wish. As YOU wish…
Two can play at this game! HA HA!
Amidst all of the excitement and stimulation, I was getting to get a bit of low blood sugar. Hopefully Mom remembered to bring treats, because it seemed to me that we were getting pretty far from home. Oh good, Mom’s slowing down so it looks like we’re going to take a break. Next to a store no less, so treats look to be on the way. Very Promising indeed. Yep-yep-yep. Looks to be a good day today, yes sirree.
Umm wait a minute, I’m not going to jump to conclusions, but it seems like Mom may be tying me to some kind of metal thing. Why would she do that? I can’t remember this ever being part of the plan before? She hasn’t watched that show “Dexter” in a while, has she? Oh dear god! Not Dexter! She seems like she’s in a good mood though, so I don’t think she wants to stab me in the heart or anything like that. She’s talking to me nicely too, so that’s always a good sign. She’s just called me “good dog” for no apparent reason, so either she really, really loves me or…
Oh god. There she goes. She’s backing away slowly. She’s walking away. Oh no…
She’s telling ME to stay while SHE’S walking away.
This doesn’t look good.
She’s a runner.
After 9 years she’s abandoning me.
This. Can’t. Be. Happening.
At a QFC? Really Mom? A QFC?
You couldn’t have picked someplace a little more homey like, say, Martha Stewart Living or something like that? You could have at least brushed me first! I must look a mess. Who’s going to adopt me now? I’m old. Unkempt. Mildly overweight. Socially awkward. Oh god Mom, WHYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!
Wait, someone’s coming. Maybe it’s her. Maybe it’s Mom, coming back to me. Why won’t my neck stretch any higher? God, my neck isn’t tall enough? Could be Mom, no, it looks more like a man, but Mom has short hair, no, that’s definitely a man. Wait, it could be mom. Taller but, almost short enough, but just too far away to tell…no, no, it’s not her. I see a beard. Well shiznit. All this waiting around for Mom is just wearing me out! I’m just gonna lie down here on the sidewalk and take a little snooze.
5 minutes Later…
I heard a noise! Oh gosh it’s been hours and hours and hours at least! I’m dying here by the grocery store! I’m starving! I’m parched! I feel like the Good Samaritan. I mean, what if I were Jesus, you people? What if I were JESUS! People keep walking by, but they’re not helping me, and they’re definitely NOT my MOM!
Wait. I see a new group starting to walk over the hill. I’m craning my neck to see. I see two people, with a little one being carried on top. Boy, that really looks like fun! None of them are Mom. But wait! I might see Mom behind them, in the middle; behind them.
I arose and my body tensed in alert. I couldn’t even help it, because just to see Mom’s face, even after her abandoning me all of these hours all alone, tied up around a piece of metal at the QFC parking lot, forgetting all about me; I just love that woman with all of my heart and soul and my whole, entire, 9 year old dog body broke out in a smile. My tail was wagging, my head was shaking, my feet were dancing. It was revival breaking out all up in the grocery store parking lot!
The cute little family who were walking in front of my Mom thought that my Welcome Home Mom Dance was all for them and they were all giggling and trying to get out their rectangle-machine-ringy-thingies to take a video of my antics. Once they realized that my Mom was walking right behind them then they all really had a laugh. Some other people who were standing near the scene were laughing also.
Mom came running and gave me a hug, because she was overcome with my cuteness. Human folks broke out in applause.
I’m not kidding.
What can I say?
I mean, other than…
F#*% YOU KITTEN and your CUTENESS!!!
You didn’t even get to go for the most awesome walk ever with Mom, so THERE!