There is Still at Least One use for a Landline.

IMG_1453My Mom told me that the other day she couldn’t find her cell phone, so she used her land-line phone to call Auntie Verna.

Auntie V:  “Hello?”

Mom:  “Yeah, I can’t find my cell phone, so I was wondering if you could call me so I can hear it ringing?”

Auntie V:  “Which phone are you calling me from?”

Mom:  “The one in the kitchen…”

Auntie V:  “Why didn’t you just call your cell phone with that phone then, dumbass?”

Mom:  “Oh. I hadn’t even thought of that…”

After she told me the story, I shook my head and asked her, “Mom, do you sometimes even amaze yourself?”

Mom grinned and said, “Yeah.”

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Honey Boo-Boo’s Mom.

images I’m riding the train from Portland back to Seattle (my work commute) and the Conductor likens himself to be quite the comedian.  The Amtrak safety guidelines went as follows:

“There is no smoking anywhere on the train.  Doesn’t matter whether its a cigarette, cigar, weed, crack, whatever; no smoking means NO SMOKING!  Got it?  If anyone is caught smoking on this train, the CIA will be notified and they will remove you via helicopter and carry you off to some undisclosed location in the Middle East.

Also, everyone must set their cell phones on silent.  None of that vibrate nonsense either.  SILENT.  If I hear anyone’s cell phone during this trip, whether it be a Ringy-Dingy or a Mosquito Buzzing sound, at any point during the duration of this trip, I will personally release Honey Boo-Boo‘s Mom from our vault, and she will EAT YOU.”

Everyone around me was laughing awkwardly during his presentation, but I’m sure that I’m not the only one who is secretly terrified of this man.

I mean, it’s all fun and games, smoking your crack pipe and talking on your cell phone in the Amtrak bathroom, until you end up in a dark underground tunnel, somewhere in the Middle East, tied to a chair by some kind of indestructible pasta, and listening to what can only be the sound of Honey Boo-Boo’s Mom’s growling belly in the distance, smacking her lips at the thought of some spaghetti noodles with butter and ketchup all over it!