The Evolution of Men.

Click on the following link to watch the video that this conversation refers to:  Man Humor

I just watched this with (an unnamed) friend, and we both agreed that this video most completely and accurately narrates the Evolution of Men, better than anything we’ve ever seen.

Maybe even better than “Men are from Venis and Mars”…

Me:  “Wait…did I just write ‘Venis’?”

My unnamed friend laughed and said, “Why didn’t you just say ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’?”

My reply was, “Because I meant to say ‘VENUS’…”

UFO:  “Oh…okay, you absolutely cannot post that on your blog…”

Me:  “What about if we have someone else read it first, and then we have a vote to decide whether or not it should go on my blog?”

UFO:  “But will it actually contain the word ‘penis’?”

Me:  “Of course it would!”

UFO:  “Then, NO.”

The Year of the Mullet.

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When an old classmate posted this photo on Facebook recently, I just felt the need to officially rename the year of 1986-1987 as “The Year of the Mullet”.

Should we go a little further and take a vote on Best Mullet?

I just want to point out that I was actually able to pull off, both the Farrah Fawcett look with the feathered bangs, AND the actual mullet itself.

PLUS:

I also managed to femme up my own version of Don Johnson/Miami Vice attire.

So there you have it.

I’m throwing my hat into the ring as a Contender in “The Mullet Championship Round”.

Are there any other nominations?

 

Bunny Owners.

IMG_1468I have recently added Dog Walking to my professional resume. It has been a wonderful tool for getting me up earlier in the morning, you know, since I actually get paid to play with dogs and get exercise! I currently walk 4 different dogs for a total of 2 hours of walking each day, 5 days a week. That’s some great exercise!You would think that it would be pretty difficult to embarrass myself in this line of work, but rest assured; I have found a way…

Today I was walking Copper (the sweetest Labradoodle in the entire world) around her neighborhood. I always take her to this house that’s about 6 blocks away, because her favorite thing in the world is to go and visit the bunnies.

There are 4 bunnies who live in a really large, fenced, outdoor kennel, and Copper just loves to sit there and watch them for a few minutes. She doesn’t bark, or growl at all; she is just saying hello to her little Bunny Friends.

Well today, as we were walking up the hill, after visiting Copper’s Bunny Friends, we ran into 2 elderly men who were standing on the sidewalk chatting. One of the men tipped his hat to me (because he was such a gentleman) and said, “Well Hello, Copper! Is that Copper?!”

Copper got all excited, so I smiled and said, “Yes, this is Copper. And you must be one of the Boners…!”

Both men appeared stunned, and a good 3 seconds before I registered what I had just said…

Me: “I’m so sorry! I meant to say Bunny Owners! You must be one of the Bunny Owners!”

The other man completely avoided eye contact with me, and the Bunny Owner gave me a stiff smile and said, “Yes, they are my bunnies…”

Me: “Copper just LOVES to visit your bunnies! But I guess you already knew that…umm, yeah….
…nice weather we’re having today, huh?”

Both men appeared relieved and smiled as Copper and I hurriedly walked away. They both agreed, “Yeah it’s a beautiful day!”

Oh.

My.

Gargoyle.

Boners.

I called an old man a “Boner” today.

Bunny. Owner. BUNNY OWNER.

Bunny Owner!!!

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The Gayest Valentine’s Day Ever!! Literally.

It would be safe to say that my sister, Stacey, is my Hero...

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Dear Whitney,

 I wanted to send you an email to wish you Happy Birthday.
Your D told me that I needed to read your blog.  He had been crying over a month regarding your lifestyle.  I assured him that you were a Christian and that you would never do anything to hurt your Grandma and Grandpa.  I guess I was wrong!  Your Grandma and Grandpa would have been heart broken as well as Uncle R and I are.
We pray that you will turn away from a lifestyle that is not of God and we will do every thing we can to help you.  It is what Grandma and Grandpa would have wanted us to do.
We will always love you and pray for you.
Aunt J and Uncle R
————————————————————————————

 

Dear R and J,

It pains me to write you this letter.  You have been so generous to both Whitney and my mom and I so appreciate it.  Your monetary help to Mom has been a godsend.  And R, I cannot thank you enough for the yard work and trips to the dump.  You were a lifesaver.

You both seem like such wonderful people and I don’t want to offend you in any way.  But I feel I must address your hateful and hurtful and ungodly comments to Whitney.  I know her heart is breaking.  You have made her feel ashamed and that is wrong!

I am very sorry that you feel Whitney has disappointed you both, as well as, M and E.  I would like to respond.

Although you feel that being gay is ungodly, many people, including many devout Christians, do not agree with you.  Many churches welcome gays into their ministries with open arms.  There are even gay ministers.  The bible is open to a lot of interpretation by humans and just because you believe one way, there is no proof that God or the Bible agree with your way.

Whitney is a Christian and lives a Christian life.  She attends church and prays and tries to be kind and helpful and forgiving.  Her Partner has gone through seminary, led a devout life, and is now a hospital Chaplain.  This is definitely a godly couple and they are leading a life devoted to god and each other.  Whitney leads a life of integrity.  She works hard.  She lives with God’s grace surrounding her in every thing she does.

I do not believe that being a homosexual and leading a homosexual life is a sin.  I imagine it is a trait we are born with.  Here is why I think this.  I was born a heterosexual.  I love my friends who are women, but no matter how much I love them, I do not want to have sex with them.  I am not attracted to them in that way.  No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t make myself be gay.  No matter how much Whitney tries, she cannot make herself attracted to men.  She is gay.  God made her that way.

And if we agree God is perfect and all powerful, then none of his children are imperfect.  He made Whitney the way she is and she is perfect.

And I know that although M and E might not have openly embraced gays, they loved Whitney with all their hearts and they would want her to be happy.  D wants her to be happy.  Being loving Parents and Grandparents forces us to accept and change and grow in order to be loving.  I know that M and E are looking down from heaven and saying, we wish Whitney all the best.  Our life here in heaven with God is so wonderful and perfect that we want Whitney to have all the love and respect she deserves.  M and E were open to change.  They welcomed me into their family when D and my Mom married.  They adapted to the times although I’m sure having step grandchildren was not their original dream.  So I know M and E would always want the best for Whitney.

Life can be hard and we need all the family we can get.  We need love and acceptance.  We need forgiveness.  I forgive you for not being able to see that Whitney is a wonderful Daughter, Niece, Aunt, Granddaughter, Friend, Partner, and Woman.  I hope that after a time, you may be able to accept Whitney for who she is.  I don’t expect you to embrace her lifestyle, but just accept it.

Life is about change.  And growing.  And learning.  Once people thought it was okay to have slaves and now we realize that no human should ever be enslaved…once interracial marriages were illegal and now they make up a growing population in our country…once we believed divorce was a sin that God could never forgive and now divorce is accepted, but not saluted…once we thought only men could do many things and now we have women proving that we can do almost anything men can do…I truly believe that gays are made by God and therefore should be embraced and shown all our love.  I believe that in a few short years, most people will come around to that way of thinking.

So, I just want you to think about this. If you truly want to do anything and everything to help Whitney, your only Niece, then you will love her.  You will love her for who she is.  And she is gay.  God made her that way and God is loving and good and kind and perfect.  And so is Whitney.  My heart is breaking because Whitney’s heart is breaking.

None of Whitney being gay is your fault.  No human caused this.  Whitney was born an innocent child of God and he loves her for who she is, exactly as she is.  I believe 100% in my heart that if Jesus was on earth today, he would be accepting of all God’s children.

Please take some time to pray and read the bible and talk to your pastor about this.  You should not be embarrassed about this.  Homosexuality is found in the best of families.  And in the best of churches.  And in the best of countries.  Whitney is still Whitney.  And I am so proud to call her my sister.  You should be just as proud to call her your wonderful Niece.

With loving thoughts,

Stacey

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Seattle’s Latest Fashion Trends?

1392074_10151881445905862_1080678265_nApparently Macy’s is ready to make Seattle winter fashion a bit on the racy side…?  

One good thing about this new look:

If all women have to wear is a scarf to match their handbags, then perhaps Macy’s could accurately advertise this trend as “One size fits All”…

Unless of course someone had an extraordinarily large neck, which would make the scarf look more like a choker necklace.

…Or if they had extraordinarily large arms, which would make the handbag look more like an armpit with a wallet sticking out of it.

A bit of advice Macy’s:  It is always safer to go with the motto of “One size fits MOST” so as to offend the LEAST amount of people.

Rea:  Ok! That is really funny:)

Rosemary:  Maybe… They are advertising to people without arms and that also don’t like to wear clothes in one size fits most.

Whitney:  True. Even people with no arms need to keep their necks warm…

Rae:  Can’t stop laughing love it!

Amy:  I’m laughing so hard right now! Whitney, your perceptiveness continues to amuse and amaze me.

Melissa:  I feel my sales will go up w/the current fashion. I am on it doggon it!

Whitney:  You go girl!

Joshua:  I hope they come out with the necktie/sticky wallet combo for men soon!!!!

Margaret:  My boobs would get cold.

A Case of Child Abuse in O Little Town of Bethlehem…

IMG_1309IMG_1306I went to Mom’s house last weekend to help her decorate for Christmas.  She had already pulled out the boxes from the garage (which she shouldn’t have done alone but she’s as stubborn as an ox) and had baked a zillion Christmas cookies.  She is planning to have everyone over to her house on the Sunday before Christmas, and so of course she wants her house to look beautiful for the special occasion.

It is sort of unbelievable how many Christmas decorations that Mom has, but she was quick to remind me for the um-teenth-thousandth time that she had been building her collection for her entire life, and for MY entire life, and that one day I would be so grateful that she had saved all of the ornaments and decorations.  Of course she also had to add that, “After Christmas, ornaments go on sale for like 90 percent off!!  They’re practically giving them away!!!”

Yes, I know, I know…

At some point during the unloading of the Christmas boxes, I was on the phone with Rea (who was home sick with a horrible cold), and suddenly I had a vivid, traumatic, childhood memory.

Me:  “Um…oh my gosh…seriously?  SERIOUSLY?!  Spun glass?  SPUN GLASS?!  MOM!  You still use spun glass with your Nativity Set?!  HOW COULD YOU?!”

Mom:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Why can’t you just use cotton like a normal person?  I’m seriously having PTSD right now.  I think I’m hyperventilating.  MOM!  I’m having a panic attack right now!!”

Mom:  “Have a cookie.”

Me:  “Don’t you remember what happened to me, Mom?  When I was like, what…?  I couldn’t have been more than four years old?”

Rea:  “Should I let you go?”

Me:  “No, it’s okay, you can hear this.  I’ll just tell you about it later anyway.  Besides Mom is barely listening to me as it is and I need to talk about it.”

Mom:  “That’s not true; I’m listening!  Hand me that box behind you.”

Me:  “I remember being like four years old and sitting on the floor, just staring up at the Nativity Scene for hours and hours, because it was so beautiful on the mantel next to the Christmas tree at our old house.  I was fascinated with the Baby Jesus.”

Mom:  “Yes, you always did love the Baby Jesus.”

Me:  “My sweet little blonde haired, blue-eyed, innocent self; I remember that you would play Amy Grant‘s Christmas albums on the record player, and I would just sit there and daydream for hours and hours…”

Mom:  “You really were such a sweet and precious little thing.”

(Of course we were listening to Amy Grant’s Christmas music on the CD player as we were decorating Mom’s house in present day as well.)

Me:  “…this may be one of my earliest memories actually.  The Christmas tree lights were shining through the “cotton” that was billowing softly beneath the Nativity Scene, and it was all that I could do to resist touching the puff of cotton that cradled the Baby Jesus.  The more that I admired the Baby Jesus, the more that the cotton beneath him shimmered, and it just looked so soft; like pure silk.  I knew that I wasn’t supposed to touch it, but I just had to.  IT JUST LOOKED SO SOFT!”

Mom:  “I think we’re going to need more lights for the tree.  It doesn’t look like we’re going to have enough.”

Me:  “Mom!  Are you even listening?!”

Rea:  “I’m still here.  I’m listening.”

Me:  “Thank you REA, I’m glad that SOMEONE is listening.”

Mom:  “Fred Meyer has lights on sale for fifty percent off right now.  I should send you to the store to get some before we start decorating the tree.”

Me:  “Looks like I lost her.  Oh well, whatever.  It’s only my most traumatic childhood memory, no big deal.  This is why I go to therapy right?”

Rea:  “So what happened?”

Me:  “So of course I couldn’t resist, and I had to reach out and not only TOUCH the shiny, puffy, cloud of cotton beneath the Baby Jesus, but I had to PET it.  Like a kitten.  Of course you’ve figured out by now that it wasn’t actually cotton.  It was SPUN GLASS.  So what happens when you PET spun glass is:  you get your poor little four year old hand all CUT UP to SH*#!  I was screaming and crying, and I was bleeding everywhere!”

Rea:  “Oh honey, that’s just terrible…”

Me:  “Mom, are you smiling right now?!  Seriously?!  Rea!  Mom is smiling.  She’s not saying anything, she’s just got this sadistic grin on her face.  Oh and now she’s chuckling about it.  MOM!  THAT WAS CHILD ABUSE!  I THOUGHT THAT THE BABY JESUS CUT ME!!

Mom (very quietly):  “I told you not to touch it ya dumb shit.

Me:  “What did you just say?  Did you just hear that Rea?”

Rea:  “No.  What did she say?”

Me:  “She said, ‘I told you not to touch it ya DUMB SHIT!’  Can you believe she said that?!  Oh and now she’s thoroughly pleased with herself…”

Rea:  “I wish I could be there with you guys.  Sounds like you’re having sooooo much fun!  Love you!”

Me:  “Yeah, you’d better run Mom!  Okay, love you too Sweetie.  I’ll call you later.”

——————

It turns out that Mom has several Nativity Sets that she has inherited over the years, and instead of using only the best piece of each of the sets to make one, Ultimate Set, Mom likes to put every single figure out on display; on top of spun glass.

Me:  “Mom, your Nativity Set is too big.”

Mom:  “No one has ever said anything before.”

Me:  “Well I’m saying something now.”

Mom:  “It’s like this every year.  You never said anything last year.  Or the year before…”

Me:  “I must’ve been too drunk to notice.”

Mom:  “They are all such beautiful pieces.  There’s no sense in NOT putting them out on display.  Oh look!  Another camel!!  Isn’t it beautiful?!”

Me:  “Oh yes.  So beautiful.  Can’t you at least pick the best Mary and the best Joseph?  For example.  Here is a blonde Mary.  Mary was Jewish.  Do you really think that she would have been blonde?”

Mom:  “Well she could have been!  Stop being so judgmental!”

Me:  “Whoa!  Okay, sorry…I didn’t realize that you were so sensitive about your blonde Mary.”

Mom:  “Well maybe she’s the next door neighbor.  These could just be like cousins and neighbors who just felt like hanging out that night.”

Me:  “They just wanted to hang out during the birth of Jesus.  No big deal.  Like, ‘Hey what’s up neighbor?  Give birth to any Messiah’s lately?’  There just happened to be a really strong resemblance between everyone is all.”

Mom:  “Well it was a really small town.  I’m sure that there was a lot of inter-marrying going on.  Oh look!  Here’s another Baby Jesus!  TWINSIES!!

Me:  “Two Baby Jesus’?  Where are you going to draw the line, Mom?!”

Mom:  “I guess I should draw the line at two Baby Jesus’…”

Me:  “Well there are some religions who believe that Jesus had a twin brother, and that his twin was Satan…”

Mom:  “Oh yeah!  Well that could work!  This Baby Jesus does look kind of evil…”

Me:  “That must have been the Baby Jesus that cut me.”

Mom:  “Yes.  It was.”

Me:  “It wasn’t Baby Jesus’ fault that I got cut up!  Stop laughing!!”

Mom:  “You’re getting a lot of good material for your blog huh?”

Me:  “Oh yes.”

Mom:  “Where should I put the other Baby Jesus?”

Me:  “Mom, seriously…one Baby Jesus is enough.  We are Christians and we don’t believe that Satan and Jesus are twin brothers, remember?”

Mom:  “Yeah, that’s true.  Okay, I’d rather have the sweet looking Baby Jesus on display if I have to choose.  We’re running out of room on the mantel anyway.”

Me:  “I think that you should probably rename this set, because it’s really not technically the Nativity Scene anymore.”

Mom:  “Let’s call it, ‘O Little Town of Bethlehem’…”

Me:  “Yes, that’s perfect!  Now, will there be any kids coming to your Christmas party next Sunday?”

Mom:  “I don’t think so…not really little.”

Me:  “Well you’d better make sure.  You don’t want another Spun Glass massacre on your hands.”

Mom:  “I will just be sure to tell the kids not to touch it.”

Me:  “Oh yes, because that works so well…”

Mom:  “As long as they’re not a bunch of dumb-sh*#s it will be fine.”

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