Aunt Elise VS The Armadilla.

One of the most memorable events from my time in Mississippi was meeting Rea’s Aunt Elise…

IMG_0146

Aunt Elise: “Have y’all evah seen an arm-a-dilla?”

Me: “No, not in real life.”

Aunt Elise: “Oh god, but if they aren’t the ugliest creatures! When I see ’em on my property I shoot ’em. Ah’ve shot twenty-four arm-a-dillas so far.”

Me: “Wow, twenty-four?!”

IMG_0377Aunt Elise: “Uh-huh. Once I even shot a mama and a daddy arm-a-dilla on the same day, and some lady asked me how I knew that they were a mama ‘n daddy and I said, ‘I looked at their junk, how the hell else would I know?’ Ah’ve gotta say that the only thing uglier than an arm-a-dilla is an arm-a-dilla’s private parts!”

Aunt Elise: “Once I took a shot at an armadilla who was hiding in a bush, and I shot its tail right off! A few days later I checked my traps, I set out traps to catch the armadillas that don’t get close enough for me to shoot, and guess what I found in there? An armadilla with no tail! Can y’all believe that? That armadilla was dumb enough to come back to my property after I shot its tail plumb off!”

IMG_0377I told Aunt Elise that I’ve been writing her armadillo stories, and she was so thrilled.

Aunt Elise: “Oh ah’ve got a ton of armadilla stories…”

Uncle Jack: “She sure does hate them armadillas…sure does…”

Aunt Elise: “Well they get in my yard and dig and dig and DIG! Ah wouldn’t be surprised at all if some uh dem holes went clear to CHINA!”

Me: “She told me that she’s killed 24 armadillos.”

Uncle Jack laughed: “24 huh? I’d say it’s more like well into the 50’s. She thinks that she’s scared ’em all off, like they spread word to their kin to stay away from that crazy lady’s place, but oh no…I’d be willing to bet that she’s just killed ’em all off.”

Aunt Elise: “Oh no, there’s more of ’em out there and I’ma gunna get ’em…”

  AUNT ELISE                                            VS                            THE ARMADILLA

IMG_0146IMG_0377

Pearl, Mississippi.

After dinner at Cracker Barrel (where they ran out of chicken and dumplings) we headed to Rea’s parents house in Pearl, Mississippi, where we stayed for a few days…

IMG_0396

Aren’t they adorable??

Here are a few highlights:

I was introduced today as “Winfrey”. That was a first.

“Have you ever shaved both of your legs and then realized that you hadn’t taken the cap off of the razor?” – Midnight Mississippi conversations.

“AHHHHHHHHHH-CHUH!!” Apparently even sneezes have an accent in the South.

There is a Clearance Sale at the Dollar Store in Pearl, Mississippi, and you can purchase an ice cold 20oz bottle of Budweiser at the corner store for 99 cents. Gotta love a place where you can have a night out on the town with whatever you find under your couch cushions!

You know that you’re sitting at the breakfast table with a Southern Baptist family when you hear one funny water baptism story after another. I was trying to remember a story so that I could add something to the conversation, but as a recovering Pentecostal, the only story that came to mind was when a guy at my church got filled with the Holy Spirit and started speaking in tongues, and it sounded just like he was saying super-cali-fradga-listic-expi-alli-dotious in Pig Latin.

Of course, the whole reason for our trip was to attend Rea’s niece’s wedding:

IMG_0231

Stinkin’ adorable!

Sex and Tractors.

3 Reasons that Rain is a Good Thing
By: Luke Bryan

1) Rain makes corn.
2) Corn makes whiskey.
3) Whiskey makes my Baby get a little frisky.

Can’t say that Country Music isn’t educational…

We listened to A LOT of country music on our trip to the South, and I’ve gotta say that my long-lost love for country music may be rekindled.  We’ve decided that in order to write a hit country song, you really have to have a list of country things such as:

1)  Comfy jeans, beer (preferably cheap, canned beer because micro-brews are for sissies), whiskey/moonshine, bar brawls, inner-tubes, Chevy trucks, fried chicken, gravel roads, etc, etc.

2)  You must reference country legends such as Willie, Waylon, Cash, Dolly, Loretta, Haggard, and apparently, Tim McGraw?

3)  You must use phrases such as “darlin”, “baby”, “boondocks”, “hick”, “redneck yacht club”, “hillbilly trailer park”, “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmotor-boatin”.

4)  If you don’t reference God and/or America at some point then you may as well just forget it.

5)  And TRACTORS!  Never leave out tractors and how ladies think they’re sexy…

6)  If you manage to write a song using every one of these words, and also add something about the wisdom from your Granddad then…

&)  BOOM!  You’ve got a hit record on your hands.

images

If Marcy Playground had made a country album in the 90’s it would’ve gone something like this:

Sex and Tractors:

I smell sex and tractors, yeah…

Who’s that lounging in my flatbed?

Who’s that casting their line in my fish-ing hole…

yeah Granddad this surely is a dream…

And FYI, in case you’re wondering or getting pissed off because I’m mocking country music?

Au Contrair.

I totally dig it.

Cracker Barrel.

After we’d enjoyed being tourists on Beale Street, we rented a car in Memphis and then headed to Rea’s hometown of Jackson, Mississippi.  Of course we had to have dinner on the way, and of course I suggested Cracker Barrel.  When I called my mom to let her know that we’d arrived safely and that we were going to Cracker Barrel for dinner, she said:

Mom:  “Oh my god, you HAVE to order the fried gizzards!  Oh my god…and the CHICKEN LIVERS!  They’re simply to DIE for!!”

Me:  “That’d kill someone alright…Mom, I told you that we’re going to Cracker Barrel.  We’re not filming an episode of Strange Foods with Andrew Zimmern!”

download-2

(Nothin’ like smoking my corn cob pipe at Cracker Barrel while waiting for a table. This is how i roll in the South…)

Of course  we had to look at the gift shop while we were waiting.  I was in my own little world, admiring the clearance section, when one of the ladies who worked there came up to me and said, “Excuse me, Ma’am?”  Of course I looked all around me to try to figure out who the hell she was talking to before I sounded like a dumb-ass by pointing to myself saying, “Who me?”

Gift shop girl:  “I’m sure that you probably thought I’ve been stalking you, since I’ve been following you all around the store…?”

I just stared at her blankly, which let her know that I’d been completely unaware of the fact that she’d been stalking me.

Gift shop girl:  “Well I’ve just been admiring your hair.  The color, the cut, just…everything about it!”

My whole self turned red when I said, “Oh wow, okay…thank you?!”

Gift shop girl:  “That’s all I wanted to say.”  Then she grinned shyly and walked back to the cash register.

Rea walked over to me then and said:  “I just can’t even leave you alone for a second before you’ve got everyone fawning all over you!”

Me:  “Yeah…who’da thought that I’d be such a hot item in the South?”

Rea pointed at herself:  “THIS girl!”

The dinner special was chicken and dumplings, so I ordered the chicken and dumplings.

Guess what they were out of…?

Chicken and Dumplings.

So I ordered BBQ pork with hashbrown casserole, sweet potato casserole (because I couldn’t decide between the two) and sweet tea that was so sweet it darn near made my teeth rot out of my head!

In other words; it was delicious.

I told Rea that our waitress was lucky that my Auntie Verna wasn’t the one who ordered chicken and dumplings and got denied.  She would’ve taken that bitch OUT!

Memphis.

Touchdown in Memphis and the weather is beautiful! We’re fixin’ to fill our bellies with BBQ on Beale Street. January 31 near Memphis, TN via mobile

download

download-1

(Photo explanations going clockwise from the top)

I was totally impressed that you could just buy a “Big Ass Beer” and walk around with it!  Unfortunately I was too full of ribs to actually partake of a big ass beer.  Bummer!

No explanation should be needed for the onesie, because there really isn’t anything funnier than a tourist shirt that mentions poop.  Am I right or am I right?

I’m right.

When we were looking around one of the tourist shops, Rea held up this photo and said, “Now THAT’S some SERIOUS Cash!”  It cracked me up.

You probably had to be there…

It turned out that we’d arrived in Memphis during the Blues Festival, and it was just getting started.  We met a really sweet man who was singing the blues to an audience of 2; that would be Rea and I.

We were having a blast already and our adventure to the South had only just begun…