The best time to get peanut M&M’s, or any candy for that matter, is during every kind of holiday; religious or otherwise. The candy is always super fresh since it was created in the appropriate colors and packaging i.e.; heart-shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for Valentine’s Day. Therefore, since it is almost Easter (translation: melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hands-bunny-shaped-chocolates-galore) and Rea and I were at Fred Meyer anyway to pick up some dog food for my yellow lab, Nash, it was quite impossible not to be sucked into the beautiful displays of Easter candy in all of their jubilant, pastel-colored glory.
It goes without saying that we were inclined to go off of the Atkins diet for the sake of Jesus rising from the dead and all. (How those two things relate, I have no idea.)
When the cashier was checking us through his line, he could not help but make the following comment about our selection of groceries:
Cashier: “Well, it looks like you’ve got a pretty well balanced menu here. Cheerios and milk, M&M’s, hairspray…”
At that moment I was thinking that it was too bad that we didn’t have tampons or hemorrhoid cream so that he could feel free to announce that to the entire store over the intercom while he was at it.
Rea pointed out: “We also have dog food.”
Me: “Yeah, and it’s the ‘Healthy Diet’ dog food too. I feel kind of guilty that we’re putting Nash on a diet while we’re indulging in Easter candy…”
Cashier: “Yeah, I don’t think that dogs can actually tell the difference between diet food and regular food.”
Me: “You haven’t met our dog. He’ll take one sniff of it and give us a look that says, ‘Really? Are you kidding me with this shit…?’ and then he’ll moan and groan and sigh every time he sees an M&M going into our mouths.”
Cashier: “Yeah, it’s a pretty unfair world sometimes.”
Rea and I laughed.
Cashier-Boy wasn’t laughing.
It was a very strange moment, feeling the need to justify to the Fred Meyer checker that our dog lives a happy life. Didn’t he know that dogs are allergic to chocolate and that he could die if he indulged in the glorious gluttony of Easter Candy? I wanted to assure him that we are usually on a sugar-free diet and this was only a splurge. The vet told us that we needed to put Nash on a diet! We are going to go back on our diets tomorrow…or whenever all of our junk food is gone! Whichever comes first!
STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT!!
In the end, we remained silent. We took our Easter Candy, ridiculously expensive hairspray, milk, Cheerios and “Healthy Weight” dog food and went on our way.
For the record, the pastel-colored, peanut M&M’s were just as fresh and as wickedly satisfying as ever.
And Nash totally knew that he was eating diet dog food.
And it really is a pretty unfair world sometimes, but you know what?
Get over it.
HE’S A DOG!!