A new Charmin commercial just came on. It began by showing a washing machine, and the Charmin Bear said, “Here’s one way to keep your underwear clean…” Rea got so disgusted and said, “Why doesn’t that bear just say, ‘Wipe your butts stupid people so you don’t end up with skid marks!!”
I should call the marketing execs for Charmin. Rea may be onto something…
This is one example of why I would never volunteer to be a judge on “Chopped” – Chef: “I am going to make a tongue dish that has never been done before!”
Seared beef tongue with a garbanzo bean and anchovies cream sauce.
My Mom used to make beef tongue for dinner when I was a kid, and the tongue would still be stained green from eating grass. Mmmmmm…Nothing like a giant, green cow’s tongue to get your taste buds buzzing!
To those of you whoare intelligent, and fortunate enough, to have made the decision NOT to watch the current season of “Real World: Portland“, please take a moment to hear from someone who was not so lucky.
The following is an explanation as to why American Society is crumbling beneath our feet at an alarming rate. You may be a little bit less intelligent (ie; dumber) after reading this, and for that I apologize:
1) The season finale documents a violent, and horrific fistfight between the “former Hooters Girl” and the girl who is writing a nonfiction book that teaches women how to marry rich celebrities. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that a weave was actually torn out of one of the girl’s heads and then thrown aggressively back at her face. But don’t worry because the Weave-less Avenger took revenge by whacking Hooter’s Girl in the back of her head with a hair dryer, while the unexpected recipient was brushing her teeth. This of course caused the Hooters Girl’s boyfriend to come to her defense, and when Weave-less Wonder accused him of having a tiny penis, Hooter’s Boyfriend continued the screaming match with his pants down to his ankles to prove that his manhood is at least of average size.
2) This fight was caused by a dog turd.
Here are the top 3 things that I learned from the 10 o’clock news in Portland tonight:
1) Surveillance cameras caught an elderly man stealing almost $4,000 worth of wine (over several visits) from Safeway. When interviewing a local woman about the crime, her response was, “Stealing is wrong. It’s just plain wrong!”
2) Someone also thieved a red bandana off of the head of a statue that was located on the Portland Waterfront. Any information is appreciated by investigators. Rea and I considered calling the number to report seeing an old man walking along the waterfront, carrying a red bandana that was filled up with wine bottles and tied to the end of a stick…
3) The makers of LEGOS have made some concerning changes in their popular product. Parents should be aware that only a small percentage of LEGO figures are wearing smiles. The faces of the majority of LEGO people are looking angrier and they are carrying more weaponry.
“It’s real dangerous huntin’ gators in a little bitty boat. If they get a’hold of a leg, it’s all ovah; we’ll have ta go to duh hospital ta git sewed up.”
- Swamp People
“Ya know what’s sexy? Them Cajun dudes wearin’ cowboy boots wid their short pants. I mean…that’s just sexy as all get out!”
Okay, so I can understand accidentally crapping your pants (not personally, but it has happened to a friend of mine…) but how can someone “accidentally give birth” to a baby while they’re running a marathon when they didn’t even know that they were pregnant in the first place? Seriously?!
Lady, I’ll give you a tip just in case it ever happens to you again: Turds don’t (usually) kick, or make you crave ice cream with pickles in the middle of the night, or make you think of baby names, or make you hate the man who “did this to me!!”.
Even if it does create any of those symptoms, why, for the love of GOD, would it EVER make you think that it would be a good idea to push it out around a bunch of innocent bystanders?!
I call that the Mother of all Sharts.